I Feel Fantastic Again!

 

A while ago I wrote about how I found comfort with a situation by simply telling the person involved honestly how I felt, see: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2024/05/i-feel-fantastic.html. I have done this again. When I first started attending conferences in the mid 2000's I met an elderly couple whom I'll call Frank and Vera. They were both in their late seventies and were regulars at one of the conferences I most often attended. As I got to know them I found myself deeply disliking Vera. She was a short, stocky bulldog of a woman with a grating voice and a harsh Brummie accent who liked to tell everybody what her opinion was about one or another of the speakers, or the conference facilities etc, but you were not allowed to disagree with her, even when you could get a word in edgeways. I remember asking her once: "What did you think of (speaker's name)?" She replied that she thought he was very bad, but then jerked her finger at me in a manner that was almost physically violent and added: "But you asked, so don't complain about what I said!" One conference I made the mistake of travelling with them and staying over on the way at their home in the West Midlands. By the third year we ended up having a blazing row. I should have ended it there, but didn't for reasons I will explain. As retaliation she added my name to a mailing list of information she thought would annoy me, but it didn't. At the next conference she spoke about me loudly to a group of other people while I was present: "Ben and I had a bit of a spat... He is very naive, but he's naive in a nice way!" At this point you might be thinking: "Ben, why did you put up with all that?" Indeed Sue, my partner at the time, tried to persuade me to break contact with Frank and Vera. The reason was that Frank was the opposite to his wife. He was a kind, friendly and respectful man with a genuine interest in UFO, conspiratorial and paranormal subjects. He loved talking to me because he knew hardly anybody else he could talk about those subjects with. He never said so, but I think he was very lonely. The worst thing Vera ever did to me was in 2020 when I received the following email from her:
Dear Ben
I have some sad news, Frank died on Wednesday. He had a heart attack, no Covid 19 involved.
I main reason for writing is that we have hundreds of back copies of Nexus and also a number of his books, if you know of anybody who lives close to us and would like them they a going free as long as they can pick them up from our house probably after Christmas now what with the lockdowns.
I hope you are keeping well.
Best wishes
Vera
So, in the same email as she informed me that my old friend had passed away, she goes on immediately to ask me what part of his book and journal collection I'd like to inherit; a collection she will probably throw away because she did not share most of his interests and just went along to keep him company. How tactless can you get!? I was furious, but what could I say; she'd had just had her husband die, a man she had been married to for about fifty-five years. I simply responded:
Hi Vera.
I'm so sorry to hear. Deepest condolences.
Ben

So once again I kept my true feelings bottled up, hiding my hurt and anger, and put on an act that everything is AOK when I'm really burning up inside. As I've explained in the background link above, these feeling do not go away with me. They leave behind a bitterness that festers like a rotten splinter I can't get out of my system. I've tried all kinds of occult spells and New Age techniques to encourage "closure" and "peace"; none of them work. The only release I ever experience is communicating with the person who has harmed me and being honest. So I've done it again. Today I sent the following email to Vera:
Hi Vera.
I think enough time has passed since we lost Frank for me to speak more honestly with you. This has been playing on my mind a lot and making me feel unhappy with myself.
I actually felt very uncomfortable with how you used to speak to me. You were patronizing, deceptive and insulting. You called me "naive" when you know I'm ex-HPS, the least naive people in the world! You also got angry with me merely for disagreeing with you about the speakers etc. You also put words in my mouth when we were talking, pretending I had expressed opinions which I hadn't. You talked AT me, not with me, interrupting me and stopping me from speaking. And you didn't listen to me when I spoke. I resent that a lot. I should never have allowed you so close to me and Sue. I don't have a problem with any of your beliefs, but I have a massive problem with your rudeness.
I only put up with you for Frank's sake and now I don't have to do that anymore.
I feel better now for having told you.
Goodbye.
Ben
I don't know if Vera will reply. She might not even still be alive. She would be about ninety if she is. Her email address is still active though. If she does I will not read her reply. I will delete the email unopened. When I say goodbye I mean it. I already feel a relief at having done this, like I did with Cathy. I won't brood anymore or replay our interactions over and over again in my mind, keeping myself awake at night. Now I've found a good healing method I will have to use it more often. That way maybe I can find genuine peace. Expect more of these articles from me!
See here for more information: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/03/a-hps-life-without-dignity-statements.html.